Heart Cry

Twenty four years ago on this date Barbara and I were anxiously anticipating the birth of our third child, Matthew Keith. We hadn't really planned to have this child, nonetheless we were looking forward to having a new addition to our family. In just three days - July 19, 1985 we held our infant son in our arms. He was dead. I won't go into details because they don't really matter. The fact is that our hearts ached with a hurt that can only be understood by those who have experienced it. God blessed us with three wonderful children after Matthew died; Andrew, Timothy, and Abigail and now, eight terrific grandkids. We love them all with depth that cannot be described with written words. Yet, from time to time there is this ache in my heart when I think about Matthew, the little boy I never got to know. As I stood by his graveside, tears burning my eyes I told the Lord, "I can deal with this, if only you could help me understand why." And then, I realized - almost as soon as the words passed through my thoughts, "No, Lord - I don't need to understand - I just need to trust you. I know you love me and I know you love Barb - and I know you love Matthew. Lord just help me to trust you."

That "revelation" has stood me in good stead these twenty-four years. I have come to believe at my very core that "the steps of the righteous are ordered by the Lord." We do not require understanding, nor is God required to offer it. We cannot, nor should we judge His decisions in our lives. He is a holy, righteous God who does not, who cannot act apart from His love, mercy, compassion, and divine wisdom. His "ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts"......His wisdom is too wonderful for us to comprehend. That is part of my core being.

Tonight, I hear the heart's cry of a good friend who has a tiny little girl in her arms, fighting for life with every breath. I hear in her voice the desperation that comes from utter helplessness and I remember. I can say with surety that I know how she feels and I hurt for her; and I weep with her. . . . .and I pray for her and little Jaeli, and if I could I would direct God to the proper course of action and then I remember - I am not alone, nor are Jaeli's mom and dad - they are cared for by a Father who watched His own Son struggle for life with every breath - and He understands and cares.

Right now, I just really miss Matthew.